I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
my liver is dry heaving
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
