The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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