I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
