My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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