life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
