he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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