Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
