i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
