Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
