shes about as inviting as chlamydia
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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