Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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