My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
