I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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