Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
