She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
