I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
