I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
