I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
