just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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