He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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