Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
