Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
