the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
