So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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