I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
That's how pantless uber rides happen
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
