i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
