Pants 0. Shit 1.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
