boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
