i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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