The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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