I accidentally had phone sex last night
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
