I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
