she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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