there's paper in my vomit.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
