When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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