and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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