Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
