at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
