If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
