I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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