i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
