I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
