I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Randomize
