I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
