Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
