When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I touched a dick in church today
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
