You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
