i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
