Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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