Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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