I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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