My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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