I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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