I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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