I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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