I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
