dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
