THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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