I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
