Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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