So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
