I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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