My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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