i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
