Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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