Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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