just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
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