How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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