Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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