i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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