I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You've changed since you got that strap on
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
