How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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