I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
