new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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