I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
